growing a friend

i’m one of those girls who doesn’t have very many girl friends. not sure why because i’m pretty girly and i like girls. i love to hang out with the girl friends i do have but i just don’t have very many and i tend to fall out of touch with so many. i get along with guys much better in general. they’re funnier to me. perhaps i’m immature. i also think it has a bit to do with my insecurity. i tend to feel threatened by girls who are smarter/funnier/prettier/cooler than I am. I AM SO FUCKING SHALLOW.

my point is that i can’t wait until lily is old enough to be my “friend” on saturday nights when her daddy goes out with his friends and i’ve chosen once again to stay home and have some much needed peace and quiet. i also work a lot and have a lot of responsibilities both at work and at home…so much so that i don’t have much time left for myself. i look forward to these evenings alone, but at the same time i wish i had someone i was comfortable around to spend it with.

i wrote last week about my friend coming over to talk about my marital affairs and i was just so touched that she cared enough to do so. it’s rare that 1) someone offers and 2) i actually want them to. i actually spend a lot of time making excuses why i can’t do something i was invited to do. i’m just so uncomfortable socially and it takes so much energy that when it’s the end of the day or the weekend, i really just want to relax.

do normal people have these issues?

tonight i’m keeping lily. she “helped” me make cookie batter before i put her to bed and now i’m waiting for it to chill before cooking. i’m sitting in front of the computer with a beer (purple haze) and i’m so content. i’m looking forward to an entire night of reading cooking blogs (simply recipes), maybe some arrested development (netflix), some political blogging and a little we were the mulvaneys before sleep. i feel so lame that this makes me so happy.

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