Nightmares

I can’t really say it was a nightmare that I had the other night, 4 nights after the death of my second daughter, but all of my actions/words surrounding it point that direction.

Normally when Lily cries out in the night, my eyes fly open. My body rolling out of bed to be of use is another story, but I eventually make it in to walk her to the bathroom or change some sheets and pants.

This night, though, I heard her crying before I was fully awake. It took awhile – how long I’m not really sure. When it vaguely registered that a baby was crying, I leaned over to David and asked him if he thought they would let me get her.

What are you talking about?

I realized at that moment that it was Lily crying and yes, I should go see what she needed. When I came back to bed, he asked me again what I was talking about.

I wasn’t sure if they would let me get her.

Who?

I think I’m crazy. I don’t know what I’m saying.

When I woke up the next morning, I think I thought I was hearing Olivia crying and I didn’t think the hospital would let me go check on my dead baby. Either that or I thought I had gone crazy and wasn’t allowed to see Lily anymore.

I’m not sure which is worse and I’m glad I can’t remember the details of  what went on in my dreams that night. I just hope there’s not more to come.

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