That’s what my Baby Center email says today: Congratulations! Your baby is now full term! If only we’d made it. But of course the Duggars had a baby what, last week? Four months early and just over one pound? Olivia was almost 5 pounds and perfectly healthy. It’s like she committed suicide in my womb. She was overwhelmed with life and just couldn’t take it anymore…and she hadn’t even come close to the real tragedy of what life can bring. How painful it can be. She wanted no part of what we suffer here on earth. Sometimes I can’t say I blame her.

Of course, I know this is not the case. I know her emotions had nothing to do with her death. I know death is just something that strikes and it strikes when we least expect it (can you ever most expect it?). I know death is just a sad reality to those of us who remain alive. But I’m teetering for the moment on wallowing.

Give me a moment while I go cancel that Baby Center account now. I love receiving email updates about Lily’s development but I can’t really bring myself to delete Olivia and I don’t feel good about monitoring what her development should have been. Wow the complications…

I saw something the other day about another newsletter from the American Academy of Pediatrics that can send me new emails for Lily. It’s time to shed some old connections.

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