A New Morning

We took Lily to her first gymnastics class this morning. I absolutely loved watching her slowly get the hang of it, catching on and then following instructions. She paid such close attention and really seemed to enjoy her new found abilities to tumble and flip over the bars. We can’t wait to take her again next Saturday. Not to mention just being in an environment where young people are taking charge of their own practice in the gym. It was very inspiring to see such little people running laps to warm up their little bodies. I so want Lily to develop physical skills to match the mental ones we know send already has. I don’t care if she’s an athlete or anything, I just want her to have a sense of her physical strength as a healthy human being and not take it for granted like I have.

All this in light of our recent devotion to salad and fresh veggies piled on top. I must get back in shape so I’m ready for my second baby someday.

However, I couldn’t help but wonder how the morning would have gone if I had an infant in tow. Would I have brought Olivia along or left her home with Dave so he couldn’t have gotten to come along. Or would we simply not have gone because it was too cold to take a baby out or too much trouble? I would hope we weren’t such lazy parents but I fear we would’ve been. Just another reason to believe this was not the best time in our lives for a second child. We probably would not have lived up to our own parenting standards and then increasingly would have felt like shit for doing them both such a disservice. I know that’s not a certainty but it is a feeling I have in my gut.

I haven’t been giving myself much time to think about Olivia the past week or so. Sometimes I don’t think I could cry about her if I tried and then I’m a combination of surprised and relieved when I do. I don’t feel that terrible hole in my metaphorical heart lately. I guess I should be relieved but I still have a little bit of guilt about it. Why doesn’t it hurt more? I feel like it should hurt more.

***

Oh god, something I’ve read other Babylost parents go through is stupid things people say. I had my first experience with this the other day. On our trip to Eureka Springs this week, we went on this Cosmic Cavern cave tour with Lily and our friends.

About 5 minutes into the tour, we realized it wasn’t really meant for kids. Lily was not fascinated and it was actually pretty dangerous looking. There were tons of places along the make-shift walkway where a little person could get stuck or fall. This one area in particular looked like if they fell, you’d likely never see them again. I said something to that affect when everyone kept suggesting we let Lily climb up to get her picture taken on top of some dangerous looking platform way up high. Now, to be fair, I’m not positive I heard my friend right, but I can’t think of what else she could’ve said. I said, “If Lily fell down that crack, she’d be gone forever.” And my friend replied, “At least you HAD Lily.”

Like, what? If I lost her at 3, it was still better than what happened with Olivia? Wow.

Thankfully, Lily didn’t fall through any cracks and I can just be grateful for that.

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