I have a lot of anxiety about going back to work Monday and too much time alone today. Not a good combination. Oh and I was interviewed (by a woman who’s never been pregnant) from the Fetal and Infant Death Research Group (or something like that) this morning which got me thinking…my baby died not so long ago and I feel like shit.

Also my schedule didn’t jive with Dave’s so his day got off to a late start so we had a stress eruption, too. Ahh…life at the Holmes’ can be so sunny.

All this to say the past 3 hours have been spent reading about other babyloss stories. I don’t know quite why I find myself spending so much time with these other lives besides the fact that I’m not supposed to feel so alone when I do, given the similar expriences and emotions but when I realize how long its been since I’ve actually spoken with someone and realize my eyes are swollen and my make-up’s all worn off, I feel more alone than ever.

This is what my therapist describes as me picking away at a wound that’s trying to heal. I usually feel validated at first but somehow can’t seem to stop myself at the point where it becomes destructive and harder and harder to pull myself out. Lily has finally fallen asleep in the other room, David will be home soon and I have brownies and a side dish to make for dinner with friends tonight. It’s time to drag myself out of this chair and stop making myself bleed.

  1. #1 by Beth on January 15, 2010 - 5:04 pm

    I can’t stop reading other people’s stories.

    So do you find the stories helpful at first and then less so as you spend more and more time reading? Because at first I was thinking it was an odd thing for your therapist to say – your wound is so fresh, it will take a long time for it to even start to scab over – but then I think I understand. I can’t stop reading, looking at more and more stories, but I use them to torment myself too.

    anyway. i came over from glow in the woods and just wanted to say i’m thinking of you and your family.

  2. #2 by livemotionally on January 15, 2010 - 11:21 pm

    That’s totally it, Beth. It’s all fine and good until 2 or more hours has passed and I’m still just sitting in front of the computer crying. Of course, I’m not crying the whole time but I’m not getting anywhere, ya know? I’m just feeling sorry for us and for myself.

    Overall, I do feel the chorus of voices has been a source of comfort for me. I just need to notice when I’m not reading about how they’ve gotten through but instead just reading the moment their lives fell apart. It’s like watching a car wreck over and over again. That can’t be good.

    Thanks for reading, though. Just know its not always so gloomy over here. I guess I was just having one of those days.

  3. #3 by Jeanette on January 16, 2010 - 2:08 am

    I’ve been reading a while,but think you had comments switched off before? I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I think we all go through a stage of reading and reading, and though I’ve often found it helpful, there were times in the early days when I would lose hours sobbing in front of the computer.Sometimes I felt reading about others made me forget briefly about myself.It’s complicated. x

  4. #4 by Beth on January 16, 2010 - 5:23 am

    It might sound daft, but when you start reading could you put an alarm on to go off in, say, 90 minutes? So that then you can think ‘is this still helpful or am I just tormenting myself?’

    I’m glad it’s not always so gloomy for you. Still thinking of you though, and good luck for Monday.

  5. #5 by livemotionally on January 16, 2010 - 2:11 pm

    That’s not a bad idea, Beth. I was thinking of doing that at work, too, before I went on leave because I have the same problem obsessing about one piece of a project that maybe shouldn’t take as long as I might let it.

    Jeanette, I think I know what you mean about forgetting for a minute about my own loss. There’s a fine line between that and judging other stories against my own, though, which I’m afraid I’m guilty of. Either way, I read on Glow the other day someone said this whole thing is shitty so we should expect some shitty emotions to go along with the territory…or something like that.

    Oh, and it turns out I did have comments turned off. I did that a long time ago (before all this) and forgot. I’m glad you guys prompted me to check!

  6. #6 by Madeline on January 17, 2010 - 6:49 pm

    I used to spend hours and hours reading other people’s stories and looking for books about people who’d lost babies at the library. I used to start at the same point I was at and read forward from there – I was desparate to know when they started feeling more hopeful and less hopeless about things. I used to feel sort of disconnected – like I was reading about something I didn’t know about (this was in the first month or so) and think things like ‘how awful it must be to lose a baby’ like it hadn’t actually happened to me. Looking back, I might still have been in shock at that point.

    I don’t feel such a burning desperate need to read them all the time now. Also, I’m falling asleep at night and I used to get back up out of bed after DH had gone to sleep and spend hours reading.

  7. #7 by Beth on January 18, 2010 - 9:35 am

    I hope your day is going OK and that your colleagues have been supportive but not smothering.

    (and Maddie, I’m glad you’re sleeping better)

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