I feel a little bit like I’m crashing the past couple of hours. I was in a great mood this morning, ever since a wonderful lunch I had with a coworker yesterday where I was able to really talk to someone about Olivia and my experience in a work environment. It was a relief and a comfort and truly nourishing, at the risk of being a bit over the top.
But I’m getting really off track today thinking about the whole Babyland documentary and how no one is acknowledging that low income is not the only problem. Also, my doctor’s office has still not called with the results of the autopsy and I can’t figure out why. I just don’t understand why it would take so much longer than I was told in the beginning. Were they just making shit up or is something off and they’re searching for an answer before they call. I want to trust my doctor’s office but I’m thinking maybe I should call the hospital. I’m scared to do that, though, for fear of what they will say. What if something was more wrong? I’m not prepared for more bad news, really. Not that anything would change, other than who was responsible or whether or not I’ll be able to have another baby if I decide I want to do this all again someday.
Ugh. I can’t even imaging wanting to do this again someday…but I want to have the option! What if there was something in our genetics and we just haven’t observed it in Lily yet? I can’t even begin to let myself think those things.
Anyway, I just had to get that out of my head for a second. I’m worried and distracted. It’s only my third day back, I suppose I shouldn’t be disappointed in myself. So far, I think I’ve been managing very well. I’m calmer than I used to be and probably a little less peppy, but I’m still laughing when the funny strikes, so that’s good.