The Roller Coaster Continues

I feel a little bit like I’m crashing the past couple of hours. I was in a great mood this morning, ever since a wonderful lunch I had with a coworker yesterday where I was able to really talk to someone about Olivia and my experience in a work environment. It was a relief and a comfort and truly nourishing, at the risk of being a bit over the top.

But I’m getting really off track today thinking about the whole Babyland documentary and how no one is acknowledging that low income is not the only problem. Also, my doctor’s office has still not called with the results of the autopsy and I can’t figure out why. I just don’t understand why it would take so much longer than I was told in the beginning. Were they just making shit up or is something off and they’re searching for an answer before they call. I want to trust my doctor’s office but I’m thinking maybe I should call the hospital. I’m scared to do that, though, for fear of what they will say. What if something was more wrong? I’m not prepared for more bad news, really. Not that anything would change, other than who was responsible or whether or not I’ll be able to have another baby if I decide I want to do this all again someday.

Ugh. I can’t even imaging wanting to do this again someday…but I want to have the option! What if there was something in our genetics and we just haven’t observed it in Lily yet? I can’t even begin to let myself think those things.

Anyway, I just had to get that out of my head for a second. I’m worried and distracted. It’s only my third day back, I suppose I shouldn’t be disappointed in myself. So far, I think I’ve been managing very well. I’m calmer than I used to be and probably a little less peppy, but I’m still laughing when the funny strikes, so that’s good.

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  1. #1 by Beth on January 25, 2010 - 4:25 pm

    Have you got the results back yet? I hope so…

    I also hope that work is still OK for you. I’ll be going back in the few weeks and I’m scared, but hopeful that it will be bearable. I’m glad you’ve got someone there who understands some of what you’re going through.

  2. #2 by livemotionally on January 26, 2010 - 6:55 am

    No, still no results. I did finally get in touch with a woman in the lab who supposedly will have some info if I call her back on Friday. She did tell me the status – that they’ve completed the preliminary report which only found the true knot in her cord. They’re still working on her organs, heart and brain. I can’t think too deeply about that, though. I just can’t.

    And work’s still okay. It really is better than I thought. People are good, deep down, I think. They feel bad and they mean well. I can tell they’re all just following my cues which I really appreciate. I keep them at arms length, I think, but that’s all I’m ready for now. There are 2 people I’m open with and feel comfortable talking to and right now that’s all I need.

    Hey, I’m cadalily, by the way. Your blog recognized me as that so I didn’t bother changing but didn’t know if it was clear.

  3. #3 by Beth on January 26, 2010 - 1:50 pm

    Thanks for letting me know you’re CaDaLily – I was confused!

    My work are coming out to visit me tomorrow. I know it’s for all the right reasons, but I’m still terrified. I’ve written down all the stuff I want to say and all the stuff I want to ask, so hopefully it won’t be too bad. And to be honest, I’m scared to death of returning, but I do think it will probably be OK. I do mostly work with nice people. And the fact it’s gone so well for you does give me hope 🙂

    I hope you get the results soon. I don’t blame you for not being able to think about it. I wouldn’t either.

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