So maybe I spend too much time on Facebook, but that’s not the point. We can talk about that another day. I’ve been instructed to do the following by several of my girl “friends” and I just can’t bring myself to do it:

If you have a sister who is your best friend, has shared life’s precious blessings with you and has also been there for you through thick and thin copy and paste this to your status. The world would not be the same without our sisters!♥ U

Sounds lovely, I immediately think of my sister and do the copy part just as I’m told. And then I think about Lily…and Olivia. I was so excited for Lily to have a sister and  now I’m not sure it will ever happen. It certainly won’t be what I imagined, so close in age and innocent. Now, the closest they’ll be is almost 5 years and in my experience, that’s not that close. My brother and I were just over 5 years different and we’re not close at all. But he’s a boy. My sister is 10 years older than me but though I love her dearly, she’s almost always been like a second mother for me. Not the confidant and best friend that I had imagined for Lily. It just breaks my heart. And on top of that, every time I mention the possibility of having another (girl, fingers crossed) with my husband, he says no way, he’d be too scared. We can’t even begin to decide for another year, so don’t worry, I tell him, I’m just talking (I’m not sure that’s true). But he’s not having it and I don’t feel good about pushing it considering I don’t even know if I’d really be willing to go through this again, either.

Before Olivia, we weren’t going to have any other children. Lily was going to be an only child and we were perfectly okay with that. After we found out we were pregnant, we talked ourselves into being okay with another. It wasn’t that hard to do once my belly started getting big and the excitement of a sweet baby girl was overwhelming. So, while we were still stressed out about money and where we would put her (literally – we have a tiny house), we were so very happy that Lily would have a sister.

Dreams shattered. Hopes with the shit beat out of them. The littlest thing is a reminder of everything I’ve lost these days. Sometimes it gets old keeping my head up and moving on without becoming bitter.

  1. #1 by Beth on January 26, 2010 - 2:04 pm

    see, i started writing about my sister, but that’s just not the point, really, is it?

    before we started ttc, it seemed that we’d been thinking about having children forever. it was starting to drive me mad. if, at that point, we’d decided never to have children, that would have been ok. but now? no.

    i wish there was something better to say.

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