I feel so, so disappointed right now with no words to describe why. This time won’t be blamed on Olivia, either. Not only is it totally unfair to keep putting everything on her, but it probably isn’t the case. More likely, it would be a justification of my own bad behavior.

I’m being a huge spoiled brat though I simply cannot stop myself. I’ve been feeling increasingly eschewed by David this weekend and after 3 days of resentment and discontent simmering between us, I’ve clearly had it up to here (you know where). Is there any truth to these feelings of blame and derision? I honestly can’t say. Would I feel it so concretely if there wasn’t?

I just want to bury my head under the pillows and cry myself to sleep, which would probably only up the frustration level for the both of us.

By now he doesn’t even know what I’m upset about. How can things get so muddy?

He’s the person I’ve been relying on completely for level emotions the past few months so when he’s not here, where else can I turn? I find that I’m too weak to stand on my own anymore. Maybe that’s what pisses me off. I’ve been attributing my strength to my own will, but what if it’s all him and I’m just as weak as ever?

I’m still working on a post about my session with NJ last week where she told me how well she thinks I’ve been dealing with everything. I’ll post the full recap when I’m finished. In part, she said I’m a very intuitive person and the fact that I’m allowing myself to feel the hurt without dwelling is what’s getting me through. She did not say it’s because of David’s strength. So, why when he’s not strong do I feel so weak?

While I type this the whole house is just miserable. It’s true what they say about everybody being unhappy when mamma’s unhappy. Lily’s crying, David’s yelling and I’m completely checked out, writing about my feelings in the kitchen when I should be putting my family to bed and getting some work done. We had a snow day today. Totally unexpected and wonderful to start. Perhaps I’m just tired but I got barely 2 hours of working from home done so there’s definitely some guilt built into this maelstrom of emotions, not wanting to take advantage of the workplace empathy of my still fragile state (there’s more of the dead baby card emerging).

Shit. I try to come to some conclusion for most of my posts but I’m starting to feel like I could just go on complaining forever without ever settling on an idea to bring me out of the muck. I’ll just put us all at ease and back away slowly.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Or next week. Or next year. This up and down shit is starting to get old. I know.

  1. #1 by Madeline on February 8, 2010 - 10:53 pm

    The up and down is hard. One day I’m OK and think I’m getting there and then the next it feels like I’m right back at the start and I’m just waiting for the day to be over with the hope that the next one will be better. I’m working on the fake it till you make it system sometimes at the moment – doing some things that I used to enjoy even though I don’t really feel like them at the moment. Cooking new things. I’m trying to make some plans for the future so I have things to look forward too but I still find it really hard to look further than a couple of days ahead. This sounds like it’s all about me but I thought I’d put them down in case they’re any help – just ignore me if they’re not.

    I have no idea how hard it must be to balance this grief with caring for and loving a living child. Thinking of you.

    Maddie x

  2. #2 by Beth on February 9, 2010 - 4:41 pm

    I don’t think there are any answers to this. But I think you are strong. If you weren’t you would have completely shut down by now. You have offered support to me and others as well… if you weren’t full of inner strength you wouldn’t even be able to think of doing that.

    You can’t be strong 24 hours a day, it’s not possible, and as Maddie says you are taking care of Lily as well as trying to look after yourself. That must be so, so exhausting. Strength ebbs and flows, and what if it just happens that today you are both having a bad day? Hopefully you’ll be more able to be strong for each other tomorrow.

    I hope you feel a little easier for having acknowledged your feelings. As always, I’m thinking of you (I’m a bit scared people are bored of me saying that, but I’d rather that than you all think I don’t care any more…)

  3. #3 by livemotionally on February 10, 2010 - 12:59 pm

    Maddie – There’s a lot to be said for the fake it til you make it system. Sometimes I think it actually works! As far as Lily is concerned, on many days I think she IS what gets me through but that’s why it’s more frustrating when she doesn’t seem to be enough. She can be quite a handful when I just want to be quiet and reflective.

    Beth – Sometimes I think I’m trying to offer some sort of support to others so I can look to you as examples on bad days of proof that it’s possible to make it. And it really does help. And it always feels good to know there’s someone out there thinking of us!

    Thank you both so much for the extra words of kindness. Another thing to be grateful through all this: people on the other side of the world are willing to help me feel better. That is really so amazing and something I never would’ve known before.

  4. #4 by Beth on February 10, 2010 - 4:23 pm

    I think we all do that. Offer support because we know that one day soon (maybe even later on today) we’ll need it ourselves. Not a bad thing.

    Hope you’re feeling a little better now. (But if not, tell us. We’ll listen.)

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