I feel so, so disappointed right now with no words to describe why. This time won’t be blamed on Olivia, either. Not only is it totally unfair to keep putting everything on her, but it probably isn’t the case. More likely, it would be a justification of my own bad behavior.
I’m being a huge spoiled brat though I simply cannot stop myself. I’ve been feeling increasingly eschewed by David this weekend and after 3 days of resentment and discontent simmering between us, I’ve clearly had it up to here (you know where). Is there any truth to these feelings of blame and derision? I honestly can’t say. Would I feel it so concretely if there wasn’t?
I just want to bury my head under the pillows and cry myself to sleep, which would probably only up the frustration level for the both of us.
By now he doesn’t even know what I’m upset about. How can things get so muddy?
He’s the person I’ve been relying on completely for level emotions the past few months so when he’s not here, where else can I turn? I find that I’m too weak to stand on my own anymore. Maybe that’s what pisses me off. I’ve been attributing my strength to my own will, but what if it’s all him and I’m just as weak as ever?
I’m still working on a post about my session with NJ last week where she told me how well she thinks I’ve been dealing with everything. I’ll post the full recap when I’m finished. In part, she said I’m a very intuitive person and the fact that I’m allowing myself to feel the hurt without dwelling is what’s getting me through. She did not say it’s because of David’s strength. So, why when he’s not strong do I feel so weak?
While I type this the whole house is just miserable. It’s true what they say about everybody being unhappy when mamma’s unhappy. Lily’s crying, David’s yelling and I’m completely checked out, writing about my feelings in the kitchen when I should be putting my family to bed and getting some work done. We had a snow day today. Totally unexpected and wonderful to start. Perhaps I’m just tired but I got barely 2 hours of working from home done so there’s definitely some guilt built into this maelstrom of emotions, not wanting to take advantage of the workplace empathy of my still fragile state (there’s more of the dead baby card emerging).
Shit. I try to come to some conclusion for most of my posts but I’m starting to feel like I could just go on complaining forever without ever settling on an idea to bring me out of the muck. I’ll just put us all at ease and back away slowly.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Or next week. Or next year. This up and down shit is starting to get old. I know.