Just One Thing and Maybe Another

Browsing around in the kids clothing section can be dangerous. Tiny little pink shoes and 3mo summer dresses are enough to make my knees buckle underneath me.

***

I’m thinking of a plot for a book. Do you ever think of what your life would be like if just one piece of it was different? Of course you do; everyone does. Like if you’d never gone to that party where you met your now-husband, who would you have met instead? I’d like to write a book with two distinct storylines woven together about one person in one period of time but two different dimensions.

I’m constantly asking myself what my life would be like if we’d had Olivia. We went hiking today and as I’m trudging up some ridiculously muddy hill, I’m stuck on the notion that we may not be doing this right now if we had a tiny baby at home. But, maybe we would…I had a baby bjorn, maybe I’d be carrying her. I know from being a mother that not all moments are cinnamon and spice. Those frustrating moments of no sleep and a starving infant aren’t what I was longing for exactly, yet my life still seems incomplete without it. Because I also know from being a mom that even though my relationship with my husband might suffer somewhat, falling in love with a new baby is the best feeling in the world and totally trumps the rough spots.

I want to write about both dimensions. More likely, I just want desperately to know how it would be and I think I can find the answer by simply making it up. I probably sound like a crackpot but this is how I feel. This is what I think.

I know, for instance, that in some ways I’m happier now than I was before I had Olivia, so I need to find a way to reconcile these feelings with the ones that say this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. There was a discussion on Glow one day around whether or not people would do it all over again knowing the outcome would be the same; in other words, would you get pregnant again knowing you were going to lose your baby? I was surprised at all the people who said yes, they would definitely do it again. I do not think I would. If I had a choice, even though I’ve learned from my experience and have grown closer to my husband and living daughter, I would still not want to experience this loss again. I love my husband more and appreciate how lucky I am to have Lily, but what if that also happened as a result of actually meeting Olivia?

***

Finally, I’ll leave you with a photo. We’ve been talking a lot lately about our spirituality and how to express, as well as how to teach Lily. So we really chuckled when we noticed this sign in front of a church in our neighborhood. It’s great!

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  1. #1 by Beth on February 22, 2010 - 3:10 pm

    Why not write, then? I bet it would be therapeutic, and hell, maybe you’ll end up with a book you could try to sell.

    I honestly don’t know if I’d do it all again, given the choice. I can’t imagine things working out any differently. I don’t expect anything to work out any differently in the future.

    I just wish I knew that one day I’d be able to hold a living baby of my own in my arms.

    Not been around the internet recently. I hope you’re doing OK.

  2. #2 by livemotionally on February 22, 2010 - 4:27 pm

    Hi Beth! It’s hard to stay current now that I’m back at work but thanks for asking – I’m doing fine. Ironically, I just read that you’re going to be published and I’m so excited for you. I would love to write, too, but I have a bad tendency to get bogged down in my own feelings and that doesn’t always make for riveting reading. But you’re right, I’m sure it will be therapeutic if I ever get around to it.

    I really do hope you do something to reward yourself for your accomplishment. Go buy something nice that you wouldn’t have otherwise. Even if your heart isn’t in it, make yourself. You deserve it and you deserve to be happy. Some smelly candles or soap, a new shirt or adorable notepad, anything that makes you smile on the inside or out, it doesn’t matter. At first, you’ll just be going through the motions but if you keep telling yourself you deserve to be happy, eventually you will.

  3. #3 by Beth on February 22, 2010 - 5:21 pm

    I love that you saw through that post to the ‘going through the motions’ bit. I feel like I should be excited about the whole ‘being published’ thing, but I’m just not. Thank you for reminding me that I need to celebrate my achievement, even if I don’t entirely believe that right now.

    I’ll make sure to buy something special when my money comes through.

    I’m glad you’re doing well back at work. It’s good to hear that other people are being able to move forward, even when it’s a bit crap to do so. Helps me believe I will, too, when I’m having a bad day.

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