I wrote back in December about how it seemed appropriate that if we were going to experience such a tragedy that it be around Christmas time. Being sad next to a beautifully lit Christmas tree just seemed right for me. I was sad – indescribably sad – but I was also acutely aware of the beauty around me. The love my husband, daughter, family and friends showed me was inspiring and fulfilling, not to mention the pain killers that made it feel like I was shrouded from the pain with the most comforting warm blanket ever made. Then Christmas ended, my prescription ran out, New Years came around and then January and February. In the mid-south, that is known as the dead of winter.
The weather is just barely letting up the past couple weeks, not entirely but there are windows of warmth that we’ve been taking advantage of. We went hiking with Lily last weekend and went again just as a couple yesterday. The plan is to go every weekend and watch how the trail changes with the oncoming of Spring.
And then it dawned on me. I’m ready to celebrate life again, rebirth, nature, the cycle of life. I’m looking forward to watching the dead leaves turn green, the mud turn to grass, the silence of winter turn to birds singing high up in the trees.
It’s time. It’s only been 3 months since my sweet baby died and I don’t know if a day will ever pass where that fleeting notion of bewilderment doesn’t hit me. I still really can’t believe we didn’t get to bring her home. We were so sure we were having a baby, that Lily was getting a baby sister, that we were going to be a family of four. It still surprises me when I think about it. But still, I’m ready to take those fleeting moments with me to Spring and enjoy the beauty that is here in her absense. This will be for her. We will celebrate her life as limited as it was. She never got to see the trees but Lily sees them every day. And for that, I am grateful.