Regardless…it still feels good to get it out.

This will be the third weekend in a row that Lily has spent the night with her grandmommy. I miss her and she’s not even gone yet. I already feel guilty about how little quality time I get to spend with her during the week. I’m usually too tired by the time I get home from work to remember how to be present with her. It’s all I can do to get dinner and a bath and bedtime stories read. Throw basketball practice for 3 year olds in there and you see what I mean. More often than not lately I let her choose a cartoon instead of us reading a book together. At least we watch together but that’s only because I’m lucky enough to have a daughter whose favorite cartoon is King of the Hill.

I took her to the Maxx with me tonight to spend some “girl” time together. I thought we might find a dress for her to wear to her friend’s birthday party tomorrow but no such luck. We did find some adorable Paul Frank pj’s, though. And a Mercer Mayer collection of books, some Mrs. Meyer’s Clean Day dish soap, halfway empty $2 lotion, a shirt for me, aluminum water bottle for Dave and a bamboo shower mat. Unfortunately we also learned that when the bank says your actual balance is $52.75, that will not do if the available balance  is still only $12. So until my check posts tonight, all we could afford was the Mercer Mayer book collection. It’s a good thing she’s too young to be embarrassed and I just don’t care anymore.

Speaking of not caring anymore, I have really let myself go. I accidentally glanced over at myself in the full length mirror while sending a text tonight and was quite horrified, frankly, at the woman I saw in my reflection. What happened to the girl I used to be? Oh how that age old question has finally begun to haunt me. Wearing too-big red thermal drawstring pants and one of David’s discarded poo poo colored t-shirts, my stomach stuck out like I was still 6 months pregnant…and I mean 2nd pregnancy 6th month, all soft and beer belly like. My hair was still wet and uncombed so it was reminiscent of Madusa but not nearly as ethnically cool. My facial expression was disgusted and I looked like a gay man. I love gay men, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t want to look like one…seeing as how I’m a woman and all. I feel sorry for my husband. How can he possibly still find me attractive? He wants to have sex all the time. Has he seen me? The only thing I can figure is he’s still seeing how I used to look in his mind’s eye. Wonder how long that will last.

I realize I’m sounding quite down on myself. I know I should be a bit more forgiving, considering…but it was still sort shocking to see how I really look, not to just feel myself. I knew I would need to lose weight again, but suddenly it seems a bit more urgent. I mean, shit, even the Wii heaves when I step on it to get weighed.

Bitch. Andyes, my Wii Fit trainer is a woman.

  1. #1 by afteriris on March 13, 2010 - 5:17 am

    Oh honey, I am the very definition of ‘let herself go’. I know you know this, but I think it bears repeating: cut yourself some slack. Thinking of you x

  2. #2 by Beth on March 14, 2010 - 3:33 pm

    my wii fit trainer is the man. the woman just is weird, to me.

    i should really get my wii fit out again. it doesn’t do any good sitting in a corner does it?

    i’ve put on a stone since this time last year. most of it after being pregnant. eurch.

  3. #3 by livemotionally on March 15, 2010 - 2:13 pm

    Oh the commiseration is such a relief.

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