On Lightness and Being

Side note: I don’t know why I have any other categories than “life”. Everything fits pretty well under that heading – why bother being so specific? It’s not like anyone is searching the archives. Does anyone actually read a blog that way? I guess I could be surprised by the answer to that.

***

David got into some weird altercation with his father today. It was over something too trivial to describe here, so its particularly bothersome to me. Why would his father get short with him for anything so insignificant after what he’s been through? Meaning that he’s the father to a dead baby girl and all, but I could also be talking about his whole childhood. It makes me so angry, especially after having children of my own, how someone could be such a shitty, non-parent. What a selfish, immature bastard to not be there for your child, physically or emotionally. And he’s still treating him like shit. To be fair, I guess you could say that he’s trying to make up for the past by being a good grandparent and FIL, but that doesn’t explain his strange behavior today.

And we’re supposed to be planning a trip with them this summer. Makes me wonder why we’re thinking about doing that. For Lily.

But really I wonder how long I can remain incredulous about when people don’t cater to us because we’ve been through so much already. I doubt
David experiences it as much as I do, but I’m constantly noticing people bending over backwards at work to make sure I’m okay or I don’t get my feelings hurt any more than they already have been.

How long should I expect people to treat me so gently? I’m not ready for them to quit just yet. I’m not ready for any more harsh just yet. I’m tired of being sad. I haven’t been sad for a couple weeks now and it feels good.

I don’t want to go back to feeling so heavy again. It takes a lot of energy to feel that way. Spring has made me feel so light and I have so much more energy. It’s definitely a physical thing, this lightness of being. What’s so unbearable about that?

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  1. #1 by Catherine W on May 2, 2010 - 3:16 pm

    I have been know to click on the categories (blushes, scraps foot along floor, runs away)

    I don’t know when the ‘kid gloves’ treatment stops, I’m also hoping it will last a little longer. Glad that the spring is making you feel lighter and energised.

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