It’s Been Awhile

I just thought of a new pen name: CatHiHo

It doesn’t look as good as it sounds.

It’s pointless to try to fill the four month gap smack in the middle of my blog so I’ll just skip that part. I’ll just say it’s been awhile. I haven’t needed you, doing fine without you, rarely think of you even. Yet here I am, right back to our same special spot. It’s warm here. And smells funny, but familiar. Like the way my sports bra smells after a good workout.

Gross.

So, Olivia’s first birthday is coming up. (We’ll start with a familiar topic.) We were gonna go celebrate Thanksgiving in a cabin out of town somewhere but have since decided otherwise. The main reason? We don’t want to miss the lobster dinner instead of turkey with my favorite in-laws. Secondary reason? We’re terrible event planners and it was too hard. We tried to find a cabin in east TN but they were all booked MONTHS ago so we kind of gave up. If I was getting paid, I would’ve found the best place ever for an awesome deal. Priorities, I know.

Anyway, after a little reflection on the actual holiday we decided to consider the essence and celebrate how truly thankful we are to have such a great family. Sometimes I feel as oppressed by them as I do appreciative, but this is one of those holidays I think that has the most potential for happiness…or sorrow if you don’t have what I have.

I’m not sure how to remember Olivia, though. Technically I delivered her the day before T-Day. I’ve been mis-remembering this detail. We spent Thanksgiving alone last year. I guess I slept much of the day. I don’t remember much at all. Lily wasn’t with us, she ate with one of the grandparents and then my brother and his wife brought us leftovers. The turkey was dry city and I had a smile plastered to my face but it was so nice of them to come. Not that no one else would, we probably asked to be left alone, but I know they wanted to do something.

I’m a little weirded out by the prospect of this next Thanksgiving. What will everyone expect? What will they think when I act like I’m totally happy and nothing could phase me? I don’t think anyone will say anything outright, that’s not how my people typically are. But what if they do? I really hate crying in front of people. I know, I know. It would be totally okay but I still hate it and don’t want to do it. A stressful day will be if I have to continually answer questions about my state of mind without crying. That will take a lot of energy. That energy will come out on the drive home on my husband and child. Because I do not hate to cry in front of them. Or yell, or hit them with potted plants.

An even worse day will be if no one acknowledges the absence of my baby girl who would have just turned one year old.

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  1. #1 by Catherine W on October 21, 2010 - 4:17 pm

    I like CatHiHo, although it does sound better than it looks I agree. Looks a little jaggedy but I think you’d get used to it. Definitely sounds good though.

    How was Lily’s birthday? Did you solve the cupcake / cake dilemma?

    That question ‘what will everyone expect?’ is one I wish I knew the answer to. I can never figure out what everyone expects me to do. Look wistfully at J across the birthday cake I suspect. God knows.

    I hope that Olivia is acknowledged and that you don’t have to answer heaps of questions about your state of mind. I just don’t know, perhaps you could have some kind of ‘official’ remembrance ceremony almost? So you could remember Olivia’s birthday outright as it were but it would be something ‘complete’ and perhaps people would give you some privacy afterwards? Save throwing potted plant at loved ones etc? Does that even make sense? I’ve expressed myself clumsily but my eyelids are drooping and my brain doesn’t work properly at this time of night. x

  2. #2 by beth on October 22, 2010 - 4:25 am

    i’m glad you’ve not been here because you’ve been ok. i’ve been wondering.

    i hope people acknowledge your little girl. i’ll be thinking of olivia that day.

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