I don’t know what to do with myself…

Today is Olivia’s birthday. I asked Lily what we should do to celebrate and she said we should blow kisses to the stars.

***

We planned to make a big breakfast together, go ice skating, make a cake, do happy family things to appreciate each other all day but I feel like I’m just trying to think of things I should be doing and then going through the motions. David and I aren’t in the same mood at all and Lily is somehow managing to be the opposite of us both at all times.

I just want to drink alcohol until I don’t feel anything at all because I can’t seem to feel what I think are the right feelings. Does that make sense to anybody? I’ve always had trouble with expectations for holidays but this holiday is really throwing me for a loop.

But it’s not over yet. I mean, her birthday’s not over yet, the holidays haven’t even begun. I think I’m just going to focus on being present and remaining calm. Slow and steady wins the race, right? The race to the end of this day and the end of this year. It’s almost over and then I plan on getting on with my life. Time to start using all this pain and unwelcome wisdom to my advantage.

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  1. #1 by Maddie on November 24, 2010 - 4:50 pm

    Hugs and thinking of Olivia today.

    I didn’t know what to do on Matilda’s birthday either. I felt guilty about not making any grand gestures like releasing balloons or making a cake but nothing felt quite right to me. It’s wrong that we have to go through birthday’s without our children.

    Lily suggestion sounds lovely.

    Maddie x

  2. #2 by Sally on November 24, 2010 - 9:08 pm

    I’m with Maddie. Nothing felt right to me. We didn’t bake cakes, release balloons or do anything. But we did go away. I knew I couldn’t sit at home all day.
    Remembering precious Olivia today with so much love.
    xo

  3. #3 by Catherine W on November 25, 2010 - 6:08 am

    Thinking of you and Olivia. I hope that yesterday passed peacefully for you.

    Sometimes I think that the expectation of feeling . . something puts me off the idea of feeling anything at all. Better than feeling the wrong feelings?

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