Today is Olivia’s birthday. I asked Lily what we should do to celebrate and she said we should blow kisses to the stars.
We planned to make a big breakfast together, go ice skating, make a cake, do happy family things to appreciate each other all day but I feel like I’m just trying to think of things I should be doing and then going through the motions. David and I aren’t in the same mood at all and Lily is somehow managing to be the opposite of us both at all times.
I just want to drink alcohol until I don’t feel anything at all because I can’t seem to feel what I think are the right feelings. Does that make sense to anybody? I’ve always had trouble with expectations for holidays but this holiday is really throwing me for a loop.
But it’s not over yet. I mean, her birthday’s not over yet, the holidays haven’t even begun. I think I’m just going to focus on being present and remaining calm. Slow and steady wins the race, right? The race to the end of this day and the end of this year. It’s almost over and then I plan on getting on with my life. Time to start using all this pain and unwelcome wisdom to my advantage.