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Ambition and Debauchery

So, people, somebody’s about to get ambitious up in here. It’s been a year since I’ve been in my new job, and even longer since I’ve had to interview for something,. I’m getting a big head and probably more than a little over confident, which is a good sign that I need to move somewhere more challenging. Working with people who are smarter and more experienced than I am keeps me on my toes.

I like feeling like I have to work to keep up. If I start feeling like I do now,which is almost completely uninspired, I stop trying so hard and the stinky stagnant sets in. I can literally feel myself weighing how far my reputation will take me while surfing the internet when I should be working on some boring project. I didn’t used to let myself drift that far but I’m catching myself more and more lately.

So I’m gonna apply for a position that will be a nice promotion and a good bit more responsibility. And respect…I hope. Though I feel pretty respected by my peers, I’m not so sure about the bosses. Mostly because I’m not getting paid near as much as most of the people I work with. They’ve all been there forever; I have significantly less experience. But with years of service comes years and years of growing complacency. And that’s where my opportunity comes in.

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Also, DMH and I went to the lake with 3 couples and a single this weekend and had the best time. We did an obscene amount of swimming, relaxing, laughing, drinking, peeing, singing, some-things-that-shall-not-be-named, and just generally whatever the fuck we wanted for almost three straight days. No children. No responsibilities. No false niceties. Just rude, obnoxious, funny-as-all-get-out friends we’ve known for 20 something years (holy shit we’re old).

Here’s my “best stuff to do on a drunken weekend at the lake with friends you’ve known forever” list:

  • Best way to float in the water: legs stuck through an upside-down life jacket, zipped up front. Total water chair for drunk adults.
  • Best, most least discussed part of getting drunk in the lake: Unabashed peeing.
  • Best place to float: underneath the boat between the pontoons like some sort of secret, underwater club.
  • Best thing to cook after fajita night if you don’t want to take home left-overs: everything nachos (and I mean everything – beans, chicken, steak, turkey sandwich meat, rice, hallucinogens, guacamole, sour cream, you name it)
  • Best time to canoe: almost midnight
  • Best time to skinny dip: not while your friends are having drunk sex by the moonlight

And my personal favorite:

  • Best sign along the way: “Road Unsafe When Under Water”
Did I mention we were in Arkansas?

 

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Things I Should Be Doing Right Now

Feeding my daughter some breakfast. I will say, though, if she would’ve eaten the eggs and hash browns that I fixed from scratch, she wouldn’t be hungry right now. I should also be checking on her while she fixes her own cheese sandwich. Update: she just came and showed me her creation. She chose shredded mozzarella instead of the American slices, of course.

Folding the clothes in the dryer so I can put the new load in when it’s done. I have a stackable washer/dryer combo and you can only wash or dry, not both at the same time. We did not realize this until it was purchased, picked up and completely installed in our house. Also, we built cabinets to fit around a stackable so we kind of screwed ourselves from the getgo.

Going to the grocery store for toilet paper. We literally have no paper products in the house that will work as a substitute for toilet paper. Yet, here I am, sitting on my laptop in my pajamas at 11:41 on a Sunday morning…drinking coffee…not buying toilet paper.

Calling my sister to explain why I probably won’t be visiting this summer.

Calling my friend to ask if she needs anything after being broken into while out of town. According to Facebook, she’s okay but if I were a better friend, I’d be on the phone with her right now. When she sees this, though, she’ll see that she’s not the only thing I’m procrastinating about, and perhaps she won’t be too upset.

Organizing photos on my scrapblog so I’ll have 4 complete albums for Lily’s 5th birthday.

Making the beds.

Painting my toenails.

Playing Hello Kitty Bingo with the kid.

Picking blueberries, then making a pie.

Reading Geek Love for my book club, though that book is over 10 years past its prime, I’m sure it will be a fine read…if I would just get started.

Sometimes just thinking about all the things I could be doing almost makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something. I actually feel better. Still not doing anything, but don’t feel so bad about it. I think I’ll go stumble some more until someone forces me into action.

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Between You and Me

As a way of reintroducing myself to my blog, which is mostly for me anyway, I will be spending some time this evening redecorating a bit. I realized tonight that I don’t write anymore because every time I come here, I’m catapulted back 2 years and wind up with tears streaming down my face, reliving the most horrible event I’ve ever experienced. As evidenced by the salty residue on my cheeks and the slightly stuffed up snot nose. Which is both sad and gross.

So I’ll be doing a little clean up, a little make-over, if you will, in an effort to redefine my purpose here. I don’t really need a soothing place to open my soul to these days. My feet are pretty firmly planted in the now. I’m not terribly interested in revisiting the past, reliving the pain, listening to that sad, old voice I developed while here. Though I must say, I’m sort of proud of the voice I developed. I’m proud of how I healed and I’m glad I have proof.

So, I hope you like the changes. I do. See? Here’s me happy…

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On Planning and Persuading

I haven’t had any real pressing news to share in awhile. Busy with work, thinking about selling our home, finding a new one, sending Lily to pre-school and everything in between (finished reading Poisonwood Bible this weekend – my favorite bible!). Not much time for mulling things over.

I’m going to be preparing Lily’s 4th birthday this week. Her birthday/party is Saturday and we can hardly wait. I love doing this for her. We’ve always had a nice party for her and it’s one of my favorite things to do as a mother. I pore over websites for theme/party ideas, stay up all night making cupcakes, mull over gifts for weeks and then just bask in her sweet, unaware face the entire party.

She’s not the most expressive child in unfamiliar situations so last year was interesting. She hardly smiled and watched curiously all the people around watching her. Like she never fully comprehended that we were all there to see her. Like she thought she was there to see us. I think she will get it a bit more this year. She’s been talking about it a lot. Today she told me she wants a birthday cake with a picture of our kitchen on it. I think she meant she wants lots of icing and that would take a lot of icing, I guess? I don’t know. Disect the 4 year old mind.

I was planning on buying cupcakes this year from a local bakery that is absolutely amazing and known for their cupcakes but dang if she doesn’t keep asking for a cake. Haven’t decided what I’ll do yet. Will I cave? Will I enforce the cupcake? I’m sure Dave will weigh in and save the day.

I’m planning to have quilts laid out around the yard with balloons tied to each corner, lights strung in the trees and flowers in old glass and plastic jars all over. I’m going with a “garden” theme, though Dave says I shouldn’t limit myself to one idea. Also summer’s almost over so it’s a little late for a full on garden thing. Though my big activity will be having them all plant their own plants to take home with them. I’m envisioning a big bowl of dirt, shovels , pots and plants for everyone.

Then all finger foods, punch, (cup)cake(s) and home-made ice cream.

Anyway, I’m super excited and plan to post pics after.

Also, I ordered myself a Kindle today, at Dave’s insistence. I’m so glad he’s so persuasive that I am worth it and a gift like this is long over due! My birthday’s next month, anyway, so it’ll be my birthday present. I cannot wait until it arrives.

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On Not Taking Things for Granted

A couple nights after I got home from the hospital, I called my friend to tell her we lost the baby. She came over the next night with a book for Lily and a bottle of wine for me.

I was scared to drink it. Obviously feeling very fragile, I didn’t know how I would respond to what she intended to be a relief. I nursed my one glass of wine all night. She tried to refill it but I kept my slow pace afraid of the dark feelings sinking in before I knew what to do with them. It was very painful not knowing what to expect in those early days. I was just so fucking sad. The tears would just flow at the slightest thought of no Olivia. It felt like my soul was being crushed right inside my body yet somehow still completely out of reach and definitely out of my control.

Now I drink a bottle a night.

I’m just kidding. But I did realize after that night that drinking didn’t make it harder to handle. Nothing was worse than waking up in the morning and realizing over and over again that this was not a nightmare. So I got to where I drank rather often throughout the day, not having a schedule to reign me in and such. But I really don’t drink that much now.

Something my friend asked me that night has been on my mind lately. She wanted to know if now that this terrible thing has happened, did I somehow feel safer than before? Like the gods were done with me for now and I could quit worrying about anything terrible happening again for a long time.

My answer? No. Not in the least. It was quite the opposite, actually. I was terrified something was going to happen to Lily. I wrote about it early on but after awhile that feeling finally started to subside.

Until lately. I’ve been having these weird moments where I get all worked up and freaked out for no apparent reason. Like yesterday morning I didn’t say goodbye to her before work because she was still sleeping but then in the car on my way to work I started getting all panicky that she didn’t wake up for a reason. And so I called David to check on her and he didn’t answer. And in true Cathi form I put on this front that it was all cool but I was freaking out inside, imagining the fucking worst. Of course he called me back and all was well but shit that was weird. Then I did it again last night. Her grandmommy was taking longer than expected to bring her home and I couldn’t stop imagining a terrible car wreck and how guilty I would feel for not insisting to pick her up myself.

I think it’s my subconscious fucking with me. Its all, “You think you’re okay? You got everything under control? Well think again cuz you don’t control shit!” (Why does my subconscious talk like she’s from the inner city?)

David just said he’s been thinking the same way lately. We must be at that stage where we remind ourselves not to get too comfortable. Terrible crap happens all the time and just because its already happened once doesn’t mean lighting doesn’t strike in the same place twice.

The lesson? I don’t know. I guess to enjoy life and love and family and grocery shopping while you can. But I know nothing’s gonna happen while I’m so worried about it because if I know anything, I know that shit happens when you least expect it.

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