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Disappointment

Not on a huge scale or anything but I didn’t get the job I applied for. I got an interview but they didn’t pick me. It’s disappointing but obviously not the end of the world.

It’s been a hectic week with seriously mixed results. I can’t make my mind stop spinning. I visited my sister and all her home schooled kids in Minneapolis. It was Lily’s first airplane ride. We flew standby, though, which means we got a huge discount at the risk of not making a flight, which we did not on the way home. And that when everything started sucking.

I had to entertain Lily in an airport for 4 hours knowing I had an interview I could be preparing for. Not that it would’ve done me any good. I don’t know, though. Perhaps if I’d have had more time to prepare, I would’ve gotten the job.

There was a big scare regarding getting Lily into the right school this year that couldn’t be resolved until the last minute so that had me on pins and needles as well. It got resolved today, which was another relief.

I’m worried about my only dear friend in real life who reads this blog and she didn’t call me back today. My boss, who was on my interview panel and possibly didn’t vote to hire me is asking for something I’m not sure how to do. I have been paired with a mentor which might work out to be something but it’s a little stressful because I don’t know what to expect. Lily’s birthday is in a month and I couldn’t get Scrapblog to cooperate tonight to start ordering the photo albums. They’re not all done but a couple are so I was hoping to get some printing started.

and in case you’re wondering, I know what a crazy fuss pot I sound like. I know. You don’t have to tell me.

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Choices

In a meeting yesterday, one of my peers was describing a request our department received for training and when our manager said she didn’t think it was training they needed, my peer expressed relief with a and-i-did-the-happy-dance under her breath. But, I’m wondering, why would she express relief in that way? Training is her job, not just her job, but her career. She’s been in this department for something like 10 years – in this line of work for something like 20. Is she so tired of it that she’s relieved every time she’s told she doesn’t have to do it? What would she rather be doing all day, if not training? Has she always felt reluctant to develop training? If so, why does she choose to get up every day and come back here…if not for the paycheck?

On a similar note, I was reading a blog post by a friend recently where she was questioning people’s choices and society’s reaction to those choices. She described a scenario where 2 women made different life choices – one got married, had children, got divorced, is now being empathized with and supported by her friends and family – the other chose not to get married or have kids but instead get a degree and a well paying job, thus not garnering sympathy from said friends and family. There was obviously some bitterness there and I think she was talking about her sister, but my point is she was acting like these were all well thought out choices and my first thought was that she’s assuming falling in love is a choice. Talking to my father-in-law recently about peoples relationship choices, he said, quite wisely I think, that you can’t help who you fall in love with. How true is that? Really? Do you think that’s true?

Back to my coworker – does everyone really have the ability to choose their career? I don’t necessarily think so. Some people get to a point in their life where they need to support themselves or their family, so they find the best thing available to them. I know that’s what I did. But you can choose whether you like it or not. I truly believe that. If you don’t feel you can find another source of income, then you find a way to enjoy what you’re doing…or you don’t.

I have sympathy for those who don’t choose the happier option.

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The Real Me

I have been so fucking busy at work lately. Is that normal? Do people feel overwhelmed by their work? I try to compare the amount of satisfaction with the amount of sacrifice but I don’t know what other people think is normal. So, that’s just what I’m wondering. David has been telling me for years that I’m too into my job. But doesn’t that mean I like it? He bases his opinion on the precipice that I don’t like my job because it’s corporate. But I think I might actually like it, even though it’s corporate.

Anyway, I think I like it. Either that or I’m a huge narcissist.

I’m in a training position at a major corporation. I’m in a department of people who teach sales people how to do their jobs. I just got assigned responsibility for the Sales education website, but I haven’t really gotten a chance to totally focus on it. I’ve been working on an internal blog but haven’t presented it to our director yet. My boss just told me to, but I’m wondering about her motivation for telling me. I think it’s because she’s (the director) mentioned something to my boss about the new buzz phrase, “social media.” They are finally beginning to see the relevance and the opportunity to connect to people they’ve only begun to employ.

I’ve been working on the script for the online course that we’re creating about the new customer information tool they’re going to have to use. It’s my job to write the script for the course some other people will actually design. It’s a weird process. I have nothing to do with creating the visuals, but I’m responsible for writing the flow and the script of the course, and describing the visuals. Someone else might even record the audio. I think I’m going to, though. Honestly, it will be weird if they pick someone else to do the voice since I’m the one who wrote it. I mean, I’m working with this other lady and I got the content from someone else, but I put it together and decided what information Sales needs to know. And I wrote it.

God. Is this boring to you? I honestly really don’t know. I’m so in the thick of it that I can’t even tell if it’s absurd. The woman I’ve been working with is absolutely insane. She is this incredibly short. very weeble wobbly woman. She is constantly getting phone calls from her soon-to-be ex-husband and her crazy 17 year old daughter with bipolar disorder, supposedly, and apparently cannot be trusted. Everytime my coworker’s daughter calls, she has to answer the phone. And she answers it in this sticky sweet voice, so not matching the look on her face when the phone rings. She’s utterly exhausted. She told me she agreed to take her daughter on a cruise this summer and the daughter is apparently obsessed. She says the obsession is because she has bipolar but I’m not sure I’m convinced. I’m not an expert so there’s no way I could really know, but it sounds/looks to me like my coworker is the problem. She has raised her daughter to be completely co-dependent on her and she has no idea. She has no idea that she’s the problem. What is her daughter going to do when she dies? Her father certainly isn’t going to invest any time on her. It’s heartbreaking really.

Sometimes my coworker puts her soon-to-be ex on speaker phone so I can listen. I frantically put my ringer on silent when she does this for fear what he would say if my phone ring while he was whining about not having enough gas money to pick their daughter up from school every day. Not saying outright that he didn’t want to do it; he simply couldn’t come up with the money if he wanted to eat. He said he was counting crackers.

Although she did hear me getting into an argument with my husband last week. It was weird because I could tell she could hear but she wasn’t saying anything and then when I said something she was so quick to take my side. People so want their misery to be accompanied by everyone around them. She doesn’t understand, though, that I don’t think I’m miserable, I’m just imperfect.

Aren’t we all?

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I don’t know what to do with myself…

Today is Olivia’s birthday. I asked Lily what we should do to celebrate and she said we should blow kisses to the stars.

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We planned to make a big breakfast together, go ice skating, make a cake, do happy family things to appreciate each other all day but I feel like I’m just trying to think of things I should be doing and then going through the motions. David and I aren’t in the same mood at all and Lily is somehow managing to be the opposite of us both at all times.

I just want to drink alcohol until I don’t feel anything at all because I can’t seem to feel what I think are the right feelings. Does that make sense to anybody? I’ve always had trouble with expectations for holidays but this holiday is really throwing me for a loop.

But it’s not over yet. I mean, her birthday’s not over yet, the holidays haven’t even begun. I think I’m just going to focus on being present and remaining calm. Slow and steady wins the race, right? The race to the end of this day and the end of this year. It’s almost over and then I plan on getting on with my life. Time to start using all this pain and unwelcome wisdom to my advantage.

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Becoming a Contradiction

Not quite middle-age yet but this NYT article inspires me and assures me that it’s okay to not cut my hair when it starts getting to a certain length and I start getting to a certain age. I’m always hesitant to let it grow too long but realize now why I’ve been feeling pressure to do so.  Also, something she addresses in the article, I’m gonna see how long I can go without shampoo and conditioner. I do have a corporate job so I can’t go in looking too greasy but if I can get through the initial stages of going natural and letting my heads natural oils do their thing without looking too gross, I will happily forgo the chemicals. I’ll have to do a little more research to see if it’s something the whole family can get away with. I don’t know, do kids immune systems require a more stringent cleanliness of the hair?

I say I’m becoming a contradiction because I’m not like a total hippie or anything (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I still shave my legs/pits (even panty-line in the summer) and paint my nails and wear make-up. I don’t buy into the theory that you have to be 100% consistent with any one way of thinking. To me, that’s what constitutes stereotypes. Not that I think certain stereotypes are wrong, and I acknowledge that they can even be a useful tool in society, I just don’t want to fall so easily into one or another. I live in the city but I’d love to raise chickens in my backyard. I’m a raging liberal but I work for corporate America. I believe in free healthcare but am so grateful for my own health benefits. I’m not a hypocrite, though. I don’t drive a Hummer, I don’t eat meat (anymore), we live in a tiny house and have a tiny environmental footprint, I work and my husband is a SAHD.

I just do what I hope is right for my family. I don’t fall into any one bucket. I try not to, anyway.

Did this whole rant start with my hair?

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